You Don't Have a Communication Problem, You Have an Information Gap

Hello Thrive Tribe,

What if the communication problem that's slowly destroying your relationship isn't actually about how you talk to each other?

If you're like most couples, you've probably had this thought: "We just need to communicate better." Maybe you've tried active listening techniques, scheduled weekly check-ins, or worked on using "I" statements instead of "you" accusations. Yet somehow, the same conflicts keep arising, the same misunderstandings persist, and that emotional distance between you and your partner continues to grow.

Here's what might surprise you: the problem likely isn't your communication skills at all.

The Real Culprit Behind Relationship Conflict

Research reveals that a staggering 91% of couples report being unsatisfied with their communication. But what most relationship experts won't tell you is that the majority of these couples don't actually have a communication problem—they have an information problem.

We call these "information gaps," and they're silently wreaking havoc on relationships everywhere. These gaps occur when we make assumptions about our partner's thoughts, feelings, and motivations without actually gathering the crucial information we need to understand what's really happening.

Think about it: How many times have you caught yourself thinking, "My partner should just know what I need" or "They clearly don't care about this because of how they reacted"? These seemingly innocent thoughts are actually creating elaborate stories in our minds—stories that often have little connection to reality.

When Assumptions Become Relationship Poison

Let me share a story that perfectly illustrates how devastating these information gaps can be.

Sarah was on a phone call with her sister, discussing some family drama. Her husband, Mike, had been sitting nearby, but after a few minutes, he quietly got up and left the room without any explanation. To Sarah, this seemed like clear evidence that Mike didn't care about her family or their relationships. She felt hurt, dismissed, and emotionally abandoned.

For days, Sarah carried this hurt, creating distance between them. She started pulling back, feeling less connected, and building resentment toward what she perceived as Mike's lack of support for something important to her.

But here's what Sarah didn't know—the crucial information that was missing from her story:

Mike had left the room because he cared too much, not too little. He'd had an exhausting day at work, and listening to Sarah's sister constantly interrupt and talk over his wife was actually painful for him. He was so protective of Sarah that he worried about how he might react if he stayed. Rather than potentially making the situation worse or saying something he'd regret, he removed himself from the situation.

What Sarah interpreted as "he doesn't care about my family" was actually "he cares so deeply about me that hearing someone treat me poorly is unbearable."

This is the devastating power of information gaps. What seemed like indifference was actually intense love and protection. What looked like dismissal was actually emotional overwhelm and careful boundary-setting.

The Solution Isn't Better Communication—It's Better Information Gathering

The breakthrough for Sarah and Mike didn't come from learning new communication techniques. It came from a simple question rooted in curiosity rather than assumption.

Instead of letting her hurt fester, Sarah eventually asked: "I'm curious about what was happening for you when you left during my call with my sister. Would you be open to sharing that with me?"

Notice the difference between this approach and the typical demanding question: "Why did you just walk away like that?" The first invites connection and understanding; the second triggers defensiveness and conflict.

The Power of "What Don't I Know Yet?"

Here's the game-changing question that can transform your relationship: When you feel triggered, hurt, or confused by your partner's behavior, ask yourself, "What don't I know yet?"

This simple question:

• Creates space for curiosity instead of judgment

• Acknowledges that there might be information you're missing

• Opens the possibility of understanding rather than assumption-making

• Prevents you from writing stories that may be completely false

Your partner isn't you. They don't have your history, your triggers, your nervous system responses, or your perspective. What seems obvious to you might not even register for them. What appears insignificant to you might feel overwhelming to them.

Transforming Your Relationship Through Curiosity

The most connected couples aren't necessarily the ones with perfect communication skills—they're the ones who consistently approach each other with genuine curiosity about their partner's internal experience.

Instead of assuming you know why your partner did something, try these curiosity-based approaches:

• "I noticed you seemed quiet after dinner. I'm wondering what that was about for you?"

• "Help me understand what you were thinking when..."

• "I'm curious about your perspective on what happened earlier."

• "What was going on inside for you during that conversation?"

The Path Forward: From Surviving to Thriving

If you've been struggling with what you thought was a communication problem, you're not alone—and you're not broken. You might just be missing crucial information that could change everything about how you understand your partner and your relationship.

The journey from barely surviving to thriving in your relationship isn't about learning better communication techniques. It's about becoming a detective of your partner's heart, approaching them with curiosity instead of assumptions, and consistently asking, "What don't I know yet?"

When you start closing these information gaps, something magical happens. Conflicts become opportunities for deeper understanding. Triggers become invitations for connection. And the stories you tell yourself about your partner's actions start aligning with their actual intentions.

Your relationship deserves more than just surviving on assumptions and misunderstandings. It deserves to flourish through genuine understanding and connection.

What information gap in your relationship might be worth exploring with curiosity instead of assumptions?

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Keep Thriving,

Michael and Amy